if i ever become a proper writer, i want to be like ee cummings..who care’s where you put your . or ‘ or when you capitalIZE your WORDS?
anyway, i’d make a shitty writer because i write like a mushroom -if a mushroom writes..which they don’t ..unless in mushroom land where every mushroom write mail to each other because they can’t talk..ha!- suddenly in abundance and then i die off quickly..like a mushroom..
so, career choices..am i too late to change? or not change? what do i want to be when i grow up? i just don’t know what to do with myself..
id like to say i’m contented with my job – but I’m not. heck, i don’t like what I’m doing..i don’t know if i ‘hate’ it..hate is such a strong word – if you say, you hate something you better mean it. don’t go around saying “i hate pink!” when one day we find you wearing a pink top..so i don’t hate my job but i don’t like it. the work has its perks – when u save a life (which is not as often as television makes it) its a pro but most of the time its a con – patients treat you like shit, nurses treat you like crap, other specialty doctors treat you like dirt, you get yelled by your boss/ the in charge/ the hospital/ the families/ the media/ the system for trying to do your best..the best that you think is for the patient but you get shot down, crash, burn, the whole shebang!
how much do i dislike my job? i wake up in the mornings/ arvos/ evenings/ nights wishing i was sick so that i dont have to go to work, some days i wish i was dead..literally, i wonder if driving across the train tracks and stopping my car in the middle of it would be less painful than the shit i get thrown to at work. i don’t like the disrespect i get from everybody – hey, I’m human too, i have feelings, stop thinking I’m bugging you for fun cuz its not..its not fun to grovel/ lie/ plead for your mercy. and its definitely not fun to ‘turf’ patients. I’m a bloody doctor, not a triage nurse ..let me practice medicine n learn something for once instead of guessing this person might have something n send them off their way to the specific specialist.
im tired – im tired of smiling and not meaning it, being stepped on and being treated like dirt.
i did not go through years of med school to be humiliated.
I’m sorry but current work, you make me unhappy and depressed and suicidal.
i need a sea change.
