Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
~Chili Davis
I never want to grow up!
Quarter life crisis
This is the time of the year when I normally spend the time alone – unlike other people who love spending their day of birth with others, I do not. I prefer to sleep or pretend to sleep. It’s hard enough being older but people are actually celebrating that I’m old? Hell no.
On the other hand,I love receiving pressies. Who doesn’t? I’m not sure why, but people always give me cooking utensil. I don’t know if I like to cook..yes, I love eating but I love it even more when someone else who does it for me,then why don’t people hire me a cook? Or a maid?better yet a personal assistant?
Though this being the last of my twenties, I wonder if I should do a Schmidt (of new girl) and go all out celebrating it? But why should I? Plus what am I celebrating? The fact that I’m single/ broke/ no career/ real estate under my name? People my age elsewhere have 3 kids, a husband, a home, a career…I don’t if I should be celebrating or not then.
Any resolutions? Lots!
Main thing: I will do whatever that makes me happy and I shall not give a shit what others say/ think.
Happy birthday to me.
sunday morning
what i did in january:
..browse books at a bookshop
buy really silly but extremely funny books
laugh at this…
..and this
…this is quite funny!
loving this! and guess what i had for brekkie the next day?
these!! but didn’t dip them in tea (i drink coffee for brekkie, my dear). had them here:
before going off to see this until the evening:
..and i came home to this:
:).
fin.
here’s a confession:
i love reading poetry.
when i was younger i used to write poetry – nothing too fancy pansy but I had a volume of poetry – i even wrote my class winning choral speaking poem.
then one day i stopped writing. i just lost the ability to rhyme …but i haven’t lost my love for poetry.
i always feel poetry should be read out loudly – which unfortunately doesn’t go well with my friends..im known to recite loudly in a bookshop/ cafe neruda and keats..i can’t help it..haha
“Aedh Wishes for the Cloths of Heaven“ is by Yeats and its so pretty!
Had I the heavens’ embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.
I’m actually very good at resisting change.
Ive always thought myself as a revolutionary kinda person – i change when i need to into something better – I’ve thought that i am the “spur of the moment” person…
well, I’m not.
here i am, given the chance to change but here i am, reluctant to take it – here i am, clinging to the ideas that what i have now is good, so why do something else..
but is it good?
why can’t i just drop everything and leave?
because….i cling to my past like theres no tomorrow.
i cling to the facts that i can’t go anywhere because what i have right now is the best….
and is it?
I’ve decided that i am the most fickle minded person ever lived.
i know that in the end, whatever decision i make is all up to myself – i answer to me and God.
…today’s post is brought to you by the letter D
We’ve all had a bad day at work..maybe a bad week ..my bad day unfortunately is a matter of life and death..literally.
And that knowledge puts a huge weight on your shoulders…i went home feeling defeated, slept feeling depressed, woke up feeling drained.
umm..i might be days too late but happy new year.
new year..whoa..this year i shall be a year closer to the big 3-0. yup, i can run but i can’t hide from it. 3-0..what have i achieved? nothing much…i have a lot of shoes and books..does that count?
anyway, speaking about books, i took the liberty (well, actually a friend gave lent me her book) of reading a malay novel. yes, i do read books in another language other than english……sometimes and just like how picky i am with my english books, i can be extremely picky with my malay books. This time, however I wasn’t that picky – i saw a malay movie everyone was talking about, realised its actually an adaptation from a book and read it. Was it good? it was interesting – its a love story and it’s in malay and it’s slightly long and winding. in the end, everyone’s happy (well, most of them). Lots of stereotyping – you know, the rich are massively uber rich & westernised & pure evil while the poor are dirt poor & everything good..all it needed was a few 10 minute songs with costume changes, fight scenes with “dush-dush” punching sounds and voila, it’s a hindi film!
anyway, i did finish the whole novel in a few days. it was an easy read so it was good.
otherwise, i’ve been reading the newspaper diligently and have started reading evelyn waugh’s a handful of dust - it sounds kinda depressing but we shall see.
anyway, except sporadic updates from me once in a while.
if i ever become a proper writer, i want to be like ee cummings..who care’s where you put your . or ‘ or when you capitalIZE your WORDS?
anyway, i’d make a shitty writer because i write like a mushroom -if a mushroom writes..which they don’t ..unless in mushroom land where every mushroom write mail to each other because they can’t talk..ha!- suddenly in abundance and then i die off quickly..like a mushroom..
so, career choices..am i too late to change? or not change? what do i want to be when i grow up? i just don’t know what to do with myself..
id like to say i’m contented with my job – but I’m not. heck, i don’t like what I’m doing..i don’t know if i ‘hate’ it..hate is such a strong word – if you say, you hate something you better mean it. don’t go around saying “i hate pink!” when one day we find you wearing a pink top..so i don’t hate my job but i don’t like it. the work has its perks – when u save a life (which is not as often as television makes it) its a pro but most of the time its a con – patients treat you like shit, nurses treat you like crap, other specialty doctors treat you like dirt, you get yelled by your boss/ the in charge/ the hospital/ the families/ the media/ the system for trying to do your best..the best that you think is for the patient but you get shot down, crash, burn, the whole shebang!
how much do i dislike my job? i wake up in the mornings/ arvos/ evenings/ nights wishing i was sick so that i dont have to go to work, some days i wish i was dead..literally, i wonder if driving across the train tracks and stopping my car in the middle of it would be less painful than the shit i get thrown to at work. i don’t like the disrespect i get from everybody – hey, I’m human too, i have feelings, stop thinking I’m bugging you for fun cuz its not..its not fun to grovel/ lie/ plead for your mercy. and its definitely not fun to ‘turf’ patients. I’m a bloody doctor, not a triage nurse ..let me practice medicine n learn something for once instead of guessing this person might have something n send them off their way to the specific specialist.
im tired – im tired of smiling and not meaning it, being stepped on and being treated like dirt.
i did not go through years of med school to be humiliated.
I’m sorry but current work, you make me unhappy and depressed and suicidal.
i need a sea change.
